how long can rationality hold up to change? how far can love bend before it breaks? how many sheep do i have to count? how long until you believe me?
can two people ever truly be on the same page? that's something i really wonder about. i wonder because i have been trying all day to figure out what to say to someone who is supposed to be my best friend. the one i am supposed to be able to talk to more and easier than anyone else. the one i have dreams of being with. the one that knows me better than me. or is that all an illusion that i do not have the balls to walk away from?
i keep coming up against the same walls every time. i keep pushing against the same thoughts every time. how many times until a cycle just becomes pathetic? is there a point that holding out for the sake of love is less romantic and more manic? obsessive? just straight up pathetic?
has too many last minute romantic saves on the pixelality boxes forever doomed me to be the kind that hopes for one for me?
i used to be a realist, then i became a survivalist. now i feel like an emo-ist and pathetic for not being able to say, "i'm done" and fucking mean it. i mean me writing this shit makes me feel useless. hell it actually means that i AM useless, cause i am writing to debate it instead of doing it.
love and life to me used to be so much more than one person. it used to mean a lot of people and a lot of places and a lot of things. things i wanted to do. places i wanted to go. now its all tinted with her wants, and considerations of her. as i suppose a relationship should be. but i do not even know if we are having one. and that right there should be an indication that we are not really having one. or maybe that's just my definition of a relationship? is there a definitive definition. oh yeah there is:
- a relation between people; (`relationship' is often used where `relation' would serve, as in `the relationship between inflation and unemployment ... - wtf? is this really a definition?
- a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection); "he didn't want his wife to know of the relationship" - i love this one, nice fucking example
- a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries - so clinical
- kinship: (anthropology) relatedness or connection by blood or marriage or adoption - so vague
where was i? oh yeah whining about how pixel life has fucked me up. well ok so more to the point i let it fuck me up as i can really only blame me and my desires. desire to not be alone, desire to have someone to fuck. desire to have a best friend who knows me better than me. desire to have someone worth putting before myself in my future endeavors.
but am i any "happier" now that i am striving towards this mutualness? am i any closer to perfection of being? the answer sadly is no. i am still fucking lonely. i am still bereft of a best friend. (not dude best friends, i got a couple of those, but we all know it ain't the same, unless you are into dudes, and they are into dudes...which is a whole other blog worth of thoughts...anyway...)
i am still bereft...we can leave it at that one word, as it is defined much better on google.
i know she loves me. i know i love her. but is that enough? currently for me, no it is not. so where does this line of staying or leaving get drawn? do i even draw a line? or do i just exist motionless and (here it comes again) bereft to wait it out?
ok lets drop out of this love talk for a while cause frankly it is boring me, so i figure it must be boring you too as you are not even in the thing. so yeah, lets talk about some other shit that will land me in the coldplay fan club...
my life kinda sucks right now. unemployed, down to literally $0.99 in the bank. its kinda awesome seeing that really. knowing that if something bad happened i would be so screwed it is truly laughable. gallows humor anyone?
but yeah i am in an RV in a small town in eastern WA, with no friends nearby and no money to do anything even if there was something to do. hell i have not even had a beer in over a week.
so yeah, dead horse theme, I DID THIS TO ME. so no one to blame. just me again. fucking up again. but really? is it so much to ask to have one facet of this giant gem called life be an easy one? yes i know it is...
but hey did i mention i am a bit emo right now?
and now i am sitting here wondering if i should post this? is it too caustic? too revealing? are my friends going to worry? is she going to be pissed?
but you know what? its only life. and a very small bit of my life. it (probably) won't be the last thing i ever post, and it was true for a minute or two anyway...so fuck it. yeah, apparently since you are reading it i decided to post it.
what.
the.
fuck?
blak out.
